The lack of sex makes me more depressed
I've had a boyfriend for a year now and he's super sweet! I absolutly adore him, but there is this one thing I just hate... The lack of sex! When we first got into a relationship we had a lot of it, but of course as time went on the sex went less. And I get that, but I mean like "once a month maaybe if I'm lucky" less. He knows I want him, I try to turn him on by dressing sexy, saying I want him, touching the right spots but he just blows it off. And if we do have sex he just lays there saying I can get on top if I feel like it, but not for his pleasure which drives my mood away as well... and if we do finally have sex he never cums.
Now, I personally have a chronical depression and a very low self esteem so this makes me feel so bad about myself, I dont think I am that ugly or bad at sex but he does make me feel like that.
He's had many girls before me and I've had 3 other guys. So I always feel like I'm worse than all the girls he had and not worth it. I also know he masturbates, I work from home and sometimes he's still asleep when I work. And when I take a break I sometimes hear him jerking off and watching porn!
He's still very loving in our relationship so I dont think he doesnt love me anymore. But it's driving me insane! I always felt like my feelings weren't important and now I especially feel that now that he blows of my desires like I'm stupid. It makes me feel so stressed and depressed and I don't want to push him away but I sometimes do this unwanted because I feel so neglected and it sometimes drives me even more suicidal than I am.
I've talked about this with him but he always just laughs it off. And it really really bothers me.
Does it make me a bad girlfriend that it bothers me he watches porn and masturbates while not doing anything with me? And does it make me a bad person that it really bothers he he's had so many girls before me? I knew this when I met him and I dont want to blame him for his past. But it makes me feel bad