I (niece) am lusting for my aunt's husband..
There were times where i would completely forget about my aunt's husband (Tom 'fake') or chose not to remember. i would be all normal and fine for months, some years.... porn or 'in the mood'-wise. i would just be a normal girl.
there are times where i would suddenly be hit with such a dirty and repulsive, sometimes uncontrollable lustrous feeling stirring up inside me. i would suddenly think about Tom- i could've just thought about someone else...but for some unknown fuckery- i chose him.
i still question why him.
i question that maybe it's because i've shared some histories and memories with him during my childhood? is it because i've been around him a lot during that time? is it because he and the family had warmth that my child self needed while living with abusive and neglectful parents? is it because after being molested by my brother and cousin- i wanted someone so gentle and sweet (him) to care for me too?
i don't know.
but here i am- i chose him.
those constant daydreams and thoughts about him, would gradually make me do things that i still feel deeply disgusted by.
this isn't the first time i've been lusting for Tom. i'm sure i've had previous 'episodes' years ago- but from what i could recall, those previous episodes weren't 'too much'. it was just me, just innocently thinking about him.
and then more years goes by- i would gradually become less innocent and think innocently. from what i have gathered- the last time i've had the 'episode' was not long ago. it was maybe a month or two ago.
and that last time- i did something that personally makes me feel like i've crossed the line.
and i thought about him.
i wanted him.
i wanted him to do that (porn video), to me.
i wanted him to moan and groan, to me.
i wanted him to speed up the rhythm, holding me tighter, breathing heavier
in my ear, while doing me harder and finally feel him exploding inside me.
...i feel deeply disturbed and confused just writing this. but of course... this fucking lustrous stupid feeling, makes me become h*rny from even seeing this.
that moment- where i finally masturbated while fantasizing about him, was where it became...somewhat a little more, intense.
i have done some stuff.
i check his facebook from time to time.
i check my aunt's photos, that included him.
i almost messaged him but stopped myself.
embarrassingly, i got off from watching this video of him- where he groaned and moaned. i got off from what people would say, such an innocent video. it was just a video of an aftermath of him eating a pepper...
i imagined him on top of me, on a bed, at night- hearing nothing but those groans and moans.
....fucking surprising how we, humans can be so dirty and awful.
i'm officially a pervert and a stalker, i guess.
let's be real.
i acknowledge this.
i feel a bit of intimidation and fear, but i need to face this reality and really...get some help.
i feel like i have two sides now.
because, i DEEPLY. DON'T- want to remain like this.
i just want to be normal.......that's all i want.
but this side of me, doesn't want to change. it doesn't want to be normal. it wants what it needs. basically.
my mental health.....is deteriorating.
this my confession.
i'm of age now.
i'm 21 years old.
i want to save myself for marriage. however, something is in the way. obviously.
i had one boyfriend, in 2012. but it wasn't for real. it was just an online thing. a stupid one.
yeah. i've been alone for this long.
i will be 22 in may.
anyways... now that i feel less tense thanks to letting this off my chest-
i still have some normality left inside me.
i still have some hope.
this is all.