I enjoy being raped

I'm mostly straight, closeted, but enjoy sex with men. The first time I had chem sex it was with a stranger and I slightly OD'd. He called a friend and for 4 hrs used and abused me every way possible. One guy had a huge dick that he'd use to injure my insides. They even sent me some video of me, obviously enjoying it.

Since then I only want sex with men who'd rather violate my boundaries without consent. I try to take just enough G so that I'm incapacitated but I know what's going on. I've learned that they lose interest if I enjoy it.

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