My mom, who raped me when I was a child, is dead
When I was 13, my mom and I had sex. She initiated and pressured me to keep it secret, and I did. We had sex off and on from when I was 13 until I moved out for college at 18. She’d get intensely interested in me for a few weeks at a time, we’d have sex almost every night, and then she’d lose interest and pretend nothing had happened.
She died last month.
I still haven’t told anyone. I say through her entire funeral knowing that I had a secret that would ruin everyone’s day, and now that the moment’s passed ... I still can’t tell anyone. The person they knew was a lie. She was really an abusive monster who would rape her own daughter.
But even THEN, I was also a participant in it. And I can’t deny that I did what she said and initiated a few times. I just ... it’s a whole fucking mess, and no I’m not about to go to therapy about this because I think being conflicted about this is the most normal reaction you could have, and because the bitch is DEAD and can’t hurt anyone any more.