My mom, who raped me when I was a child, is dead

When I was 13, my mom and I had sex. She initiated and pressured me to keep it secret, and I did. We had sex off and on from when I was 13 until I moved out for college at 18. She’d get intensely interested in me for a few weeks at a time, we’d have sex almost every night, and then she’d lose interest and pretend nothing had happened.

She died last month.

I still haven’t told anyone. I say through her entire funeral knowing that I had a secret that would ruin everyone’s day, and now that the moment’s passed ... I still can’t tell anyone. The person they knew was a lie. She was really an abusive monster who would rape her own daughter.

But even THEN, I was also a participant in it. And I can’t deny that I did what she said and initiated a few times. I just ... it’s a whole fucking mess, and no I’m not about to go to therapy about this because I think being conflicted about this is the most normal reaction you could have, and because the bitch is DEAD and can’t hurt anyone any more.

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  • I'm so sorry you had to go through this! Please know that it is NOT your fault. Even if you sometimes enjoyed it or initiated. She was your mother. It's 100% on her. It's okay to both love her and hate her, or to do neither.

    I think you did the right thing by not bringing it up at the funeral, but where you go from here is entirely up to you. Tell a few people one-on-one, tell a therapist, or just tell us random strangers on the internet. But do what you need to do to get closure and heal.

    Also, know that you're not alone. There are other people out there who are living with the aftermath of parental sexual abuse. Consider finding them, either online or an in-person support group.

    Again, and it's worth repeating- This was not your fault! Even if the experience was sometimes pleasurable. The mixed feelings that that ambiguity creates are probably what makes it so psychologically damaging.

  • Do go for therapy, please. It will help. And it is not your fault at all. It was a natural reaction to be turned on. The fact that you feel it was a mess shows that it was wrong to you.

  • If you don't seek therapy, you may end up hurting others around you. Your mother cant't hurt anyone now, but you can.

  • I was around 12 when I woke up one night in total shock because if felt like my penis was being touched. When I woke up startled my mom told me to just lie back and relax, she had an arm across my legs and her hand holding my penis at the base. She was using her other hand to softly stroke me and traced circles around the head. I asked her what she was doing and she told me to lay back and close my eyes and just enjoy it. I opened my eyes again when I felt something different and watched as she sucked on me, the pleasure was overwhelming and I came really hard gasping and shaking. I then asked her what had just happened to me, she asked me if it felt good and other soothing things. She told me I was a really good son and deserved this all the time but it had to be our secret.

  • You know, maybe this isn't the kind
    of stuff that should be posted for a
    reason. 1. If you didn't want anyone to know they surely would
    now. 2. Maybe you have made it up
    stupid Motherf*cker.

  • Time to forgive. My step mom and started having sex when I was 14. I am a guy by the way. She would always dress sexy and wear nearly nothing when my dad was not home. I couldn't help but look. It turned to sex when she caught me watching her change clothes one day. I can say that I did enjoy it even though it could be considered rape. I never felt forced though so my situation is a little different than yours. We continued this for several years. I don't regret it but I have forgiven her for her actions. I did learn a lot from her though.

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