Am I a pedophile, or a victim of pedophilia?

BTW, I am a transgender person so I ask you to use they/them pronouns please. I know that’s aside the point of this, but thinking about and asking this kind of stuff makes me feel shitty enough, and using the right pronouns is really all I can ask of you.

Back story: when I was 7 years old I was molested and had my virginity stolen by my 13 year old half-brother. We found our dad’s porn and watched it. I said I wanted to try the things with him, now thinking back he should have known better. Then his visit was done and he went back to his mom’s house. When I was 14 and he was 20 we reconnected through Facebook, Minecraft and Skype. He made me feel good and manipulated me into sending photos of my chest and our relationship turned sexual. Then for the next 2-3 years he would mentally and sexually manipulate me, and abuse me. It caused me to start self-harming (as he did), and triggered suicidal thoughts. I didn’t leave earlier was because I had another boy at my school who was also sexually harassing and blackmailing me, so I thought it was all from that since my brother would make me feel good when I was down (as long as it wasn’t his fault I was down).

Now I’m 18. And I think my brother fucked me up for life. I think it’s because this all happened when I was a young teen and in my sexual awakening. Now, one of the few ways I can get off during sex or during self-pleasure is putting myself back into the shoes of a young and innocent child who is being sexually abused. I know it’s wrong and super fucked, but is that pedophilia? My understanding of pedophilia is it’s having or wanting sex with a child. But is imagining yourself as a child the same thing? And is it worse since there is a mental connection to a real event?

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  • Did the pain make you cut yourself? How do you feel when you do it?

  • OP here. I use to. I’m 1 year clean from self harm, and cutting use to make me feel better until I realized just how fucking dumb I was, and then it made me feel like shit. So I worked towards stoping in order to better myself.

  • Tell us how it made you feel better, was it like a drug? It was something thst you controlled, not him or your parents.

  • OP here. It made me feel better because I felt like it was something I deserved, and that I was doing the world a favor. I also have a mild interest in blood. It doesn’t help that my brother self harmed, and he encouraged me to do so at the time. He would insult me if I didn’t cut deep enough, and at the time I wanted to impress him (awful, I know). So when he would emotionally abuse me I knew it wouldn’t be permit. I would cut because it’s what I deserved, and then I would work on cutting deeper to impress the one who was making me cut in the first place.

  • Do you still want to cut?

  • OP here. Honestly, sometimes I still do. But I have ways of coping with that now. I never want to fall back into the cycle I was trapped in because it truly was the worst part of my life so far. I still struggle with the same depression, traumatic memories, and other stuff that I did back then... but now I have better ways of handling it in ways that don’t physically harm me. Not all of them are healthy, and not all are compleatly effective. But it sure as hell is better than sliding a blade against my skin.

  • You're looking back on your own experience, you're not a pedo but you should go see a professional and not even come back to this site for responses. There are lots of insensitive D-bags here that won't help lift you up or listen to you as a pro will. And yeah, your brother set the stage for your sexual thoughts, he's a dick.

  • I see nothing wrong with you, even though I would suggest you to go see a professional. If you are living far away everything, could you consider online professional psychology service?

    I, for myself, used to role played with my ex boyfriend, in which I would be a little daughter and called him daddy. Thus I think the way you got yourself out doesn’t define who you really are. It’s just a fantasy, and should be just that.

  • OP here. I would love to see a professional. But I live so far away from anything, and in the middle of nowhere. The closest professional is 3 hours away, and I just can’t afford that.

  • I went to a professional once, he wanted to reinact how I was abused, to see if I could relive it and push past it. So I let him.

  • Then report him, sue him and use that money for uber to a real pro that will help you.

  • That never works, its a doctors word against yours and they all stick together.

  • I had a butt cut the other day and straight away it took me back to the abuse as a child. people don't understand it and they don't want to because its too confronting for them or to talk maturely about it and the effects.

  • See some docos on youtube there is "the pedo next door". "our little secret" and more, like gay love affairs with masters at boarding schools in rich and famous is huge coming out now.

  • OP here. I couldn’t find “pedo next door”. But I just finished “our little secret” and I found it very interesting. I always assumed that the abused turns into the abuser. Such as my brother being raped at a very young age, just for him to do it to me, and now myself struggling with the questions of am I a pedo because of my though processes? Or will I ever become a pedo and abuse someone else? So that video was somewhat comforting for that second question that wasn’t even addressed in the original post.

  • Well pedos are being who are attracted to child genitals and turned on by them. some never act on it but a lot do and they are attracted to childrens bodies, that is what I don't understand when a adult male or female says they like 5 year old or 8 year old girl or boy? sorry no. its just too sick for me. I don't guys of 17 and older but I doubt I would act on it, but I wouldn't want a child of 10- 15 and they are still a child then. a child molester is someone who actually assaults and fiddles in kiddies knickers back and front and rapes and forces sexual activities of all kinds. I was abused as a child and but I don't want to be a child again or play that age when I was abused that was 4 years old it makes no sense to me to do that. not all victims end up abusers or pedos. I would say I like to be a cougar but i won't touch any thing under 18. I like college seniors and young men and I used to think that was bad but now I think well, men of 45 take up with 14 year old girls and I was 4 when I was abused for years by much older men so for me. I don't really want old men who remind me of the pedo/child molester in my life. so I do actually like younger men and some older. if men can do it why can't women some women don't find their sexual peak til much older and society is to blame for that as much as your personality and your life experiences and how you process them. for me, sex was always a dirty bad thing. but when I fall in love with a man its not. its just I am afraid to tell the men I like my real feelings that fear of rejection is so great that I never tell. only once I did. only ever once and he rejected me and I never trusted again I hope one day I will. I am afraid of men with money and education who I like the most professionals, setting me up to hurt me and embarrass me and I don't need that now.

  • It's not clear from your story whether you were born a girl or boy or which gender you have transferred to.

  • OP here. Not the topic dude, please just use they/them pronouns.

  • If it's not the topic then why fucking tell us? You didn't need to put that in at all?
    I'm hardly gonna fucking write "they should seek help" clearly I'm gonna write you. Stupid boy.

  • OP here. I know it’s not the topic. I put it there because talking about this kind of stuff is traumatic for me. It puts me in a very bad mental state. I included the pronoun thing so that I would at least have a few people use it to lift my spirits and make my mental state a little less shitty. Also, please don’t call me stupid. It’s just not very nice.

  • Who cares..... not the topic.

  • Them / they? Why would we need to used the words them / they?

  • OP here. Because of what gender I am. But that’s not the point? Please just use those.

  • Test

  • The answer is simple. No. That doesn't make you a pedophile. A pedo is based on your actions upon a minor, nothing else. Thoughts or how you treat yourself may be disturbing to you but it has nothing to do with identifying you as a pedophile.
    As for the question as to whether what your brother did actually create this paraphilia, the answer is a qualified YES. Every sexual activity or inactivity has led you to this point, but you and everyone else played a part, not just your brother. This may not come as any sort of comfort but if you really just want to feel better about yourself start by demystifying sex. Virginity is only special because people keep saying that it is...it really isn't. Second, try to not feel shame about your sexuality (what gets you off). The shame will only feed the paraphilia because it's so taboo. Third, please avoid telling people to use "They/Them". Partly because nobody knows how to use it in a way that you would want it used. It's a plural word used as a singular word, which is just awkward for most English language speakers. And partly because you are creating/fueling the sexual identity fad. You are who you are; fuck the labels of cis, trans, two-spirits, and all that other shit. Waste of time. Changing the pronouns that people use for you won't make you feel any better.

  • OP here. Look, I was born intersex (you can look that up) and now I ID as NonBinary. But that has nothing to do with this post. I was simply asking people to try to use them since my mental state while talking about this rather traumatic event isn’t good in the first place, and proper pronouns would at least help to not worsen it. Also, you can look up the singular form of “they” and find a long history of it being used. I’m not here to fight about it, so your own research please.

  • I understand what you’re saying, but you’re not helping anything. We don’t know you, it would have been better if you hadn’t addressed it at all.

  • In hindsight, perhaps. But too late now.

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