I'm 36 and pregnant with my 17 year old son's baby. Need advice.

I'm pregnant with my son's baby - and yet I'm happy. Please, don't ridicule me or say anything harsh. I know I've made mistakes. I did things that I thought were smart but weren't. I can't un-ring the bell. I'm writing here for advice, and maybe to explain myself.

I was foolish and got married at age 18 and had my son, Drew (not his real name) when I had just turned 19. I thought I was in love but I learned early on that my husband was cheating on me. Also, he could be abusive emotionally and even borderline physically. When I thought Drew was in danger, I left my husband, divorced him, and went on my own. My pride got in my way so I didn't go to my parents for help even when the alimony and child support checks failed to arrive.

It was a struggle, but I completed my degree, got a job and took care of my baby son. In the early days he had a crib, but as he got older I could not afford a bed for him. So we shared a bed but there was nothing ever, ever sexual. We would both sleep in pajamas and when he was little he would sleep with his little stuffed dog. As he got older, we would talk, but it was always about things that we were doing, what time I had to be to work, or he had to be to Little League or soccer or how school was going. That sort of thing.

When he got to be about 13 he started to notice the girls and sometimes we would talk about girls, but it was always mom giving him advice. Nothing else. He did tell me, at age 14, that he and his girlfriend were having sex. I was shocked, but appreciated his honesty. I told him that I thought he was too young but that if he thought that he and his girlfriend were ready, then I would respect their decision and made sure that they had condoms.

I was not totally comfortable with my decision, but that's not the point. I just want to show, whatever else, that our relationship was close but things were appropriate. As far as sleeping arrangements, when we finally got him his own bed at age 7, he would spend the night in it, but there were nights that he would come into my room in his pajamas and lay in my bed and we would talk. Again, nothing inappropriate and generally he would go back to bed, though every now and then we would fall asleep, but again, nothing happened.

When he got to be about 12, when it was warm, he started sleeping in his underwear and there were times he would come into my room and talk while in his underwear. He didn't seem bashful and frankly I didn't think seeing him in his underwear was any different than seeing him in a Speedo.

When he was 14, though, he came into my room naked. I was surprised and told him to put on some pajamas or something. But he just laughed it off and said that it was warm out, he liked sleeping naked and wasn't I the one who always told him that I had seen him before he had seen himself. So he had me and I just accepted it and from then on, not always, but from time to time he would wander into my room to talk while he was naked, but again, nothing sexual ever happened.

I won't lie, but I did notice that he was developing into a healthy male, but honestly, unless I'm kidding myself, it was not a sexual attraction. It was simply a mother's pride that her son was no longer a little boy but was becoming a man. (My son is, I will say, good looking. He loves sports and keeps himself in good shape. He has boyish good looks, with dark brown hair, blue eyes and a lovely smile. But I hardly think recognizing that is the same thing as sexual attraction.)

Things crossed the line when he was almost 17. We had a very bad patch. For his part, he was hurt by a girl he really liked - but I admit that I probably didn't take his hurt as seriously as I should have. The problem I was having was that I guy I had been seeing broke up with me and at about the same time I lost my job, we had some car trouble. It seemed like everything in my life was going wrong again. We were short of cash again and I was scared and tired. One night he heard me in the shower crying my eyes out. I just couldn't take it anymore. He heard me and got into the shower with me and held me.

I should have stopped it right then and there. I told him that I didn't think having sex was a good idea but he told me he loved me and that we had shared so much and that there was nothing wrong with showing our love.

I should not have, I knew I should not have, but I gave in. I suddenly realized that I not only loved my son, but that I was in love with my son. He is mature for his age, but he was only 16 and that shows too. One minute he seems like a man, the next minute a boy, but I was so scared and so lonely and he was so loving and gentle and so we began a sexual relationship.

When I found out I was pregnant I didn't tell him right away. I was terrified about how he would react, and I was terrified about how it would impact our relationship and how he would do in school. A million thoughts raced through my head but when I did jin up the courage to tell him I was totally surprised by his response.

I thought he would freak out, but instead he was thrilled. He was so happy. He kept saying, "I'm gonna be a dad. Really!!!?? I'm gonna be a dad. Mom I love you so much!!!" I've never seen him smile so much and then he started to cry out of sheer happiness. I didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified.

So we went along for a bit, but I kept worrying about how this would effect Drew. He was so happy, but I was worried that it would effect his plans for college and his future. I've been so lucky. I've done the Internet searches and I am so blessed. Drew's grades are good, he has friends. By all rights he should be so messed up but he isn't. He is just a happy kid in school who is thrilled that he is going to be a daddy. When he comes home he'll kiss me and then bend down to my belly and say, "Hi Junior," - he keeps calling the baby "Junior," though we just found out we are expecting a boy - "This is your daddy, and I love you with all my heart!!!"

I actually don't believe in abortion, but knowing how much this baby could adversely effect my son's future I considered at one point having an abortion, but when I told him I was thinking about it we had several serious discussions and he was dead set against it. What finally totally stopped me was when, in a really heated argument, he said to me, "Mom, you don't get it. I'm going to be the dad I never got to have."

I was stunned and realized I could not abort this baby. Besides, as time has worn on, I realize that I want this baby for all the right reasons. It's a precious little life no matter the circumstances of his birth. He is a beautiful gift that my son has given to me by sharing his naked body with me. It's not good circumstances, but I've come to think of it as beautiful and I want to have this baby to share something beautiful with my son.

So we've decided a few things.

1) Fatherhood or no, my son will go to college, though we have not worked out yet if he is going to be dorm resident - because I want him to have the whole college experience - or as a commuter. When I insisted that he go to college, he said, of course, because he was going to provide a good living for his son. I was so proud of him. My son will graduate from high school in early June, turn 18 in late June and the baby is due in August, so I think we can make this work.

2) We've decided not tell my doctor who the father is. I just told my doctor that it was a man who I didn't want in my baby's life and I asked if Drew could be present at the birth. The doctor said that was unusual, but he thought it could be worked out. My son is thrilled but I'm a bit nervous that the doc might figure out that the baby's father is my 17 year old son. Should I be worried?

3) What I am worried about is that we are not getting some of the special testing that the baby needs. This worries me. I know there is a very real chance that the baby will have birth defects but I don't know how to get him tested beyond the normal prenatal tests. So far all my examinations seem to be showing everything normal, but I'm worried. Does anyone know how I might get the additional tests I need? Please help me.

4) I know I've made some serious mistakes, but I need to know what someone out there, someone who does not know me and can see things from the outside, thinks about how I've handled this. Did I do the right thing not having an abortion? The baby seems so important to my son - and he wants so much to be a dad. I know that, in many ways that is just a boy romanticizing the father he never had, but he is also mature for his age, he is keeping his grades up and has many friends, both guys and gals, I think it would hurt him so deeply to abort the pregnancy. Am I right?

5) Most of all, my son and I continue to have a sexual relationship and I plan, so long as he wants it to continue to have sex with him. Partly, I won't lie, it is because I want it. I need to feel him and be close. I know this

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  • It hapoens. More then you think. I'm in the same situation with my mom. It all happened after I moved her in with me after first my dad abused her then my stepdad. Now mom is happy. And I make sure she is taken care of.

  • I don't know your whole situation but I hope you are as happy as my son and I are. Is your mom expecting your baby or are you both just living together as a couple?

    Take care of your mom and be happy together. When I first wrote this I was scared, but as time as gone on I am so happy and we are both so excited about this baby. I hope the same happens for you.

  • Oh my god this started off with me thinking it was some other kind of messed up story but somehow it just sounds so sweet.

  • Thank you so much. I wrote that a while back when I was very less sure of what I should do. I have since decided firmly to keep the baby and my pregnancy is going very well. Better than I hoped with the baby seeming to be healthy. We are so blessed.

    My son and I are so happy. We have our moments. One minute we are discussing something about the baby or we are having sex, and the next moment I am having to tell him to take out the trash or finish his homework. But we are feeling are way along and the one thing I am sure of is that we are deeply in love and we both love the beautiful gift he has given me in this baby.

    Thank you for your kindness. It meant so much to me, especially because the one sad part of all of this is that my son and I are unable to share with family and friends the special love we have for each other.

  • How do you plan on handling your son calling your son his Daddy in public and around friends? (Man, that sounds confusing)

  • My son and I have talked it over and while we are not sure, yet, we think that, in public, he'll be "dad" and I'll be "mom." It's not ideal but we are not quite sure how to handle it better. Honestly, though, we are not sure yet and we keep discussing it. I am relatively young so it may be that "mom" will work for me, but the one thing we are sure of is that my son should be called "dad." So it is more a matter of what to call me.

    Right after the baby is born it won't matter so much, but we are starting to come to grips with just the point that you made. Around family and friends, this will be harder, but we think we can explain it as we want the baby to have a father figure.

    Not ideal, but nothing in this situation is. All I know is that we love each other, we love this baby and we will make it work somehow.

  • Yeah my advice is stop making up bullshit stories.

  • Shit I think your in real trouble sweetie you sound like a very nice person that has had a really hard time I honestly hope everything turns out well and that you win Lotto I hate to say it but you probably need it sorry mean really need it

  • Thank you. LOL! Yes, I wish I had that winning lottery ticket right now.

  • You are clearly intelligent, and this is a very complicated situation.

    My heart goes out to you.

    I am unsure what advice to give. I fear there is no "right" answer, there will be emotional fallout and pain no matter what the course, but I guess you can state that for all of our lives.

  • Thank you so much for your kindness. I have explained my situation on several sites, thinking it is the best way to get advice. (I've also checked out professional sites as well.) Most of what I have gotten is either disbelief or cruelty - though some have been very kind and helpful.

    Please know that I understand if you don't know what to say, but your kindness and sympathy means more to me than I can express. Thank you.

  • I definitely think that you are correct not to abort the child. If all of the tests are coming out normal so far, then the child is likely healthy and fine. If significant defects existed, you would have miscarried. Despite what you may hear, it is certainly possible to have a healthy, normal child, even from close incest. The odds are certainly higher than two unrelated parents (I think like 3% for unrelated parents, and maybe up to 7% from close incest), but chances are if you haven't miscarried, then the child is healthy. I think you did the right thing by not aborting.
    As to telling your doctor, I don't think it's necessary. If you want additional testing relating to concerns about genetic disorders, etc., you can simply mention your age (over 35 genetic abnormalities are higher) as a risk factor - no need to get into the fact that the child is a product of close incest. I think you can pass off your son as someone who loves his mother and cares about his new brother - nothing necessarily suspicious to anyone else. I know you're going to face judgement on here, but you have done the right thing so far.
    As to continuing your relationship, I think you should just exercise caution - I would try not to get pregnant again. However while you're pregnant, you don't need to worry!
    My mother and I had sex during the years I was in college too. She had a hysterectomy (couldn't get pregnant), so we didn't have that concern. But even so, I don't think it would have stopped us, and I hope that we would have made the same decisions you have.

  • Thank you. You have given me a great deal of good advice and thank you especially for your advice on the baby. I am getting conflicting information on the odds of birth defects, but I think you are right that I just can't let this go and hope for the best. That would be piling irresponsibility on irresponsibility.

    Most of all, though, thank you for your encouragement. I realize that I love this baby to abort it. I just can't bring myself to do that. It especially means a lot to me to have your encouragement given that you have sort of been where I am.

    To be hearing from someone who has been in my shoes - or my son's shoes - and to know how you see things is a great help. Many people have given me well meaning advice, though many have been insulting and cruel, but to hear from someone such as yourself makes me think that maybe, if not ideal, maybe I can make this work.

    I desperately want to and I know that my son wants to. Of course I know that things could change and that he could change, but I'll have to make the best of things and do what I hope is right.

    Thank you so much.

  • You're most welcome. Have faith in yourself - you can certainly make this work. The most important thing is that your child has two loving parents, and it sounds like both of you will be that!
    I doubt that being a couple with a baby in public will be a problem. When my mother and I were dating, we never had a problem in public. My mother is 20 years older than I, and even though we look very much alike, we were constantly assumed to be a couple, and not a mother and son (she looked younger than her age and I looked older than my age). The best advice that I can give you is to not be paranoid. You can't live in fear that someone will discover that you are mother and son, or if they know you are, that they will assume you're in a sexual relationship and make some big deal about it. Most people can't even imagine this is possible, so don't live in fear. Don't worry about going out for meals, going to movies together, holding hands in public, etc. People won't care about your business.
    Within the family, it's much more challenging. We kept our relationship a secret, and we have kept that secret for almost 20 years now. We've only had sex a couple of time in the last decade since I've been married, but we keep it a strict secret. I don't have any advice for you here, but I wish you the best of luck in navigating it. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

  • I don't know if you'll get this because you posted three days ago, but I want to thank you again so much. You have given me so much encouragement and your advice gives me such confidence. Thank you, thank you!!

    I love my son and I love this baby and I want us to be able to do all the things that a loving couple and and proud parents do. To know that you've been there gives me confidence.

    I decided, based on what you said, not to have extra tests done on the baby. This made my son very happy, too. He has all the confidence that a 17 year old can have that things will work out for the best. I tend to be the worrier.

    This has been at once beautiful and scary and I find my emotions all over the place. I figured part of that was just pregnancy hormones, but it is scary when you think you as a couple are unique.

    Of course it is strange. One moment I am talking to my son as my boyfriend and the father of my child, and the next I'm telling him to do his homework. I was terrified that as I got bigger, he would lose interest in sex, but if anything he has been more loving and the sex has been beautiful. He can be like a typical teenager one moment, and the very next he seems so mature. Through it all I have been so happy that he seems so much in love with me and he seems so happy that he will be a dad.

    I am learning so much about myself and my son from this, and while what you have offered is necessarily limited by this format, I just wanted you to know that you have been a great help and have offered my son and I so much encouragement. I don't know who you are, but we'll never be able to thank you enough and I wish you happiness always.

  • Oh, and one other thing. You mentioned avoiding getting pregnant again and that is good advice. But a few days ago, my son and I were talking about preparing for the baby and out of the blue he said, "Wouldn't it be great if our next baby was a girl?"

    I about fell on the floor but rather than possibly hurt his feelings I decided just to laugh it off and I said that I was probably too old to have another baby. But I thought of what you wrote and again how far sighted your advice is. All I can say is that you were raised very well and your mom and your wife are both very lucky to have you.

  • Thank you for the kind words, I'm glad to have been helpful to you. I wish you both all of the best in the future as well, and I'm sure you'll figure out things that will work out best for you. The early weeks of my sexual relationship with my mother were a crazy combination of exciting and confusing, but with after a few months, it just felt normal. I'm sure you'll learn how to navigate your new and evolving relationship together just fine. You'll figure it all out!
    I'm glad to hear that the pregnancy is bringing you closer together as well. That's a great sign for your future together, as your son obviously really loves you. Incestuous relationships work out best when built on love, and not just pure lust. Although, no guilt in greatly enjoying it, of course!
    Don't worry about a second child yet - get through the first one first! Your son is obviously excited to be a father, and I would take his statements to be just that. No need to focus too far ahead when you still have to get through the pregnancy and the first couple of years taking care of the baby.
    I have faith that you will be wonderful, loving parents. I'm sure your son will be a responsible student, and will be a fine provider.

  • Thank you so much. You have been so encouraging, you have brightened both of our lives.

    If I might, I don't wish to go to the well too often, but might I ask how your relationship with your mother began. Despite this being "Naughtypost," I don't mean the details, just how your relationship with your mother began, and if I might also ask, how you came to be married now.

    I ask only because I feel so much in uncharted waters. My son and I are deeply in love and I remember like it was yesterday how we started having sex and expressing our love more deeply as I related. It was bewildering and of course when I learned I was pregnant it was even more confusing - which is how I came to post this.

    With your help I am so happy with the choices I made. My son and I are deeply in love and we love this baby with all our hearts. (And while I agree with you about another baby, I have to admit that it saddens me, in a way, to think that if my son wants another child that I would have to say no. My head tells me one thing, my heart another. He has given me so much, to share with him another little miracle is not wise, but I love him.)

    I also ask about marriage because, as I mentioned, I will always be ready to give way if he meets another woman. But I won't lie that it would hurt. Right now he says that I am all he ever needs and he talks about us growing old together and while I know, given our relative ages what that means, I can't help but imagining myself in his arms through the years.

    But I know that he is only 17 and that he will change and that is only right. How did you end up getting married and how did your mother handle it?

    Please, though, if ANY of this is too personal - even on this site and with the advantage of being anonymous - please don't feel obligated to reply. You have been so kind and generous with your time that I don't want to impose, but it helps having someone who has "been there, done that."

  • Hello again! My “girlfriend” relationship with my mother started very gradually, but the sex was very sudden. For years during my teens, we often went out together just the two of us – whether to lunch/dinner, movies, concerts, etc., so during my high school years, I thought of her as both a mother and as a girlfriend, but nothing overtly sexual. At home, I often gave her shoulder and back massages (sometimes she would sit in my lap for this, and sometimes she would lay down as I got on top of her), so intimate physical contact was normal, but again, nothing overtly sexual. We would even sit next to each other on the couch to watch movies, and cuddle together. Although we kissed on the lips each night (no making out or anything – just a firm kiss), we slept in separate beds, and we were never naked around each other. So we did lots of “coupley” things that most mothers and sons don’t do, but nothing that crossed the line to incest; until one night partway through my senior year of high school. I know this is hard for anyone to understand or believe, and I’m still not sure how or why it happened, but when we kissed good night this night, we made eye contact again afterward, and just stared at each other for a minute, having an entire conversation without saying a word. We took off our clothes, got in her bed and had sex. We woke up naked together and had sex again. From then on, it was just a part of our relationship. I never felt bad, guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed. It just felt natural to make love to my mother. So that was our life together for a few years.

  • During college, I lived on campus, but visited my mom several times a week to spend time together and have sex. Halfway through my senior year, I ended up getting a girlfriend, so there was a time when I was having sex regularly with both of them (ahh, to be that age again!), as I had a tough time making up my mind. Mom and I talked, and she wanted me to marry and have kids (she knew we couldn’t have kids together because of her hysterectomy), and that she would be happy for me, even if we stopped having sex. So she and I had sex less often (instead of a few times a week it went down to maybe once a week), with the last time (for a few years), being the morning of my wedding day (no one knew that we had adjoining hotel rooms and just spent that night before together in my room, having sex both that night and following morning). For the next few years, we didn’t have sex (probably because we were never alone together, so the opportunity never came up). I missed it, and so did she, and I know that it was tough for her. She did put on over 100 pounds during that time. Then, maybe 6 years ago, we were alone together for a couple of hours, and I realized how much I missed having sex with her. So we had sex again. She was surprised that I was still interested, as she was “so much uglier now” in her own words. But that doesn’t matter, as that’s never what it was about for me. It was always wonderful and special to be sexual with her, no matter what. Afterward, I did feel guilty, as I had cheated on my wife. I was very conflicted. Eventually, I rationalized it that I was never expected to not have a relationship with my mother after getting married. That wasn’t going to be good for anyone. I wasn’t creating a new relationship or anything with another random woman – this was just how my mother and I had chosen to relate to each other.

  • It’s been over 2 years since our last sex, as we still don’t get much time alone together. It is complicated, but both relationships belong in my life, and I put lots of energy into both of them. Although, as I mentioned, it is a secret between my mom and I that we will both take to the grave. No one else would ever understand, but it sounds like you and your son do. So again, best of luck to you.

  • Thank you so much. I won't bother you anymore, but it was just interesting to know how someone else came to be where I find myself.

    And I do understand. I know that what I have with my son is so beautiful. When I feel him naked next to me and we share our bodies there is passion and a love so deep that I don't even know how to express it. That's why this baby is a gift and why I am so thankful that you have been so honest with me and helped me to reconcile how I feel.

    I also know how sudden and special that moment is when you find each other. I do understand how your first time happened. For me I was just so tired and so distraught and when he stepped into the shower naked and began sucking my breasts and I suddenly felt at once so wanted and so safe.

    It's funny, when we had sex he was nervous and a little fast and he even apologized, but he'll never know what it meant at that moment to feel him inside me. I can just imagine how that felt to your mom and what it meant to you.

    As I say, I know I have made more than a pest of myself and I you have been so patient and I will stop with the incessant questions. Thank you and happiness always.

  • Cont. from above... One other thing. I also want to thank you for helping my better understand where my son is coming from. We talk and I know how he feels, but I have just found it so hard to believe that he can love me in this way and that he wants to be a father. Knowing where you have come from and how you related to your mom has been a blessing to me. It has helped me to know my son and to be secure in the love we have.

  • You are most welcome! I wish the best for you and your son. I know you will figure out your lives together in a way that works for both of you. Love will always prevail.

  • Cont. from above...

    I love what I have with my son and it is more than the sex. I won't lie that the sex has been wonderful. My son is a healthy male. LOL!! But truthfully, if the sex were to stop tomorrow, I would still love him and just feel so wonderful as his mother, the mother of his child, his girlfriend, his partner, his lover.

    I write those words and I admit that I am still confused - but at least I am happy and knowing that he is happy - happy as my lover, happy as a young man, happy as an expectant father, makes my world turn.

    Okay, I have waxed poetical long enough, but I wanted to thank you again and as I say, if I am getting too personal, just say so . I won't be offended and I'll always be grateful for your kindness and advice.

  • Come clean with the physician.

  • You need to be in jail.

  • Jail? You're really fucked up. Many women have their sons' babies. They convince their husbands that they are the fathers. My mum has had two babies by me. The first was when I was 12, and the second when I was 14. Dad beleves that both are his.

  • Omfg!!!! I thought I had it bad, after my husband cheated on me, and my aunt died. And I started living with my uncle, not blood related. But we both moved to a different country and started our own lives, with my young children, and our new additions. Girl, I agree with the last post, get an abortion

  • Wow. That's pretty messed up. I'm not going to criticize you for all of this cause I'm pretty sure you've heard it all or said it to yourself. So, my best advice is some pretty crappy advice, but it's what I'd do if I were in your situation. Get an abortion but tell your son that you had a miscarriage and that it happens quite often (it does) and that maybe being "in-bred" was likely a significant cause. Then, most of all, stop the sexual relationship. Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love to help them the most.
    Regardless, good luck; you'll need it.

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