I'm 36 and pregnant with my 17 year old son's baby. Need advice.
I'm pregnant with my son's baby - and yet I'm happy. Please, don't ridicule me or say anything harsh. I know I've made mistakes. I did things that I thought were smart but weren't. I can't un-ring the bell. I'm writing here for advice, and maybe to explain myself.
I was foolish and got married at age 18 and had my son, Drew (not his real name) when I had just turned 19. I thought I was in love but I learned early on that my husband was cheating on me. Also, he could be abusive emotionally and even borderline physically. When I thought Drew was in danger, I left my husband, divorced him, and went on my own. My pride got in my way so I didn't go to my parents for help even when the alimony and child support checks failed to arrive.
It was a struggle, but I completed my degree, got a job and took care of my baby son. In the early days he had a crib, but as he got older I could not afford a bed for him. So we shared a bed but there was nothing ever, ever sexual. We would both sleep in pajamas and when he was little he would sleep with his little stuffed dog. As he got older, we would talk, but it was always about things that we were doing, what time I had to be to work, or he had to be to Little League or soccer or how school was going. That sort of thing.
When he got to be about 13 he started to notice the girls and sometimes we would talk about girls, but it was always mom giving him advice. Nothing else. He did tell me, at age 14, that he and his girlfriend were having sex. I was shocked, but appreciated his honesty. I told him that I thought he was too young but that if he thought that he and his girlfriend were ready, then I would respect their decision and made sure that they had condoms.
I was not totally comfortable with my decision, but that's not the point. I just want to show, whatever else, that our relationship was close but things were appropriate. As far as sleeping arrangements, when we finally got him his own bed at age 7, he would spend the night in it, but there were nights that he would come into my room in his pajamas and lay in my bed and we would talk. Again, nothing inappropriate and generally he would go back to bed, though every now and then we would fall asleep, but again, nothing happened.
When he got to be about 12, when it was warm, he started sleeping in his underwear and there were times he would come into my room and talk while in his underwear. He didn't seem bashful and frankly I didn't think seeing him in his underwear was any different than seeing him in a Speedo.
When he was 14, though, he came into my room naked. I was surprised and told him to put on some pajamas or something. But he just laughed it off and said that it was warm out, he liked sleeping naked and wasn't I the one who always told him that I had seen him before he had seen himself. So he had me and I just accepted it and from then on, not always, but from time to time he would wander into my room to talk while he was naked, but again, nothing sexual ever happened.
I won't lie, but I did notice that he was developing into a healthy male, but honestly, unless I'm kidding myself, it was not a sexual attraction. It was simply a mother's pride that her son was no longer a little boy but was becoming a man. (My son is, I will say, good looking. He loves sports and keeps himself in good shape. He has boyish good looks, with dark brown hair, blue eyes and a lovely smile. But I hardly think recognizing that is the same thing as sexual attraction.)
Things crossed the line when he was almost 17. We had a very bad patch. For his part, he was hurt by a girl he really liked - but I admit that I probably didn't take his hurt as seriously as I should have. The problem I was having was that I guy I had been seeing broke up with me and at about the same time I lost my job, we had some car trouble. It seemed like everything in my life was going wrong again. We were short of cash again and I was scared and tired. One night he heard me in the shower crying my eyes out. I just couldn't take it anymore. He heard me and got into the shower with me and held me.
I should have stopped it right then and there. I told him that I didn't think having sex was a good idea but he told me he loved me and that we had shared so much and that there was nothing wrong with showing our love.
I should not have, I knew I should not have, but I gave in. I suddenly realized that I not only loved my son, but that I was in love with my son. He is mature for his age, but he was only 16 and that shows too. One minute he seems like a man, the next minute a boy, but I was so scared and so lonely and he was so loving and gentle and so we began a sexual relationship.
When I found out I was pregnant I didn't tell him right away. I was terrified about how he would react, and I was terrified about how it would impact our relationship and how he would do in school. A million thoughts raced through my head but when I did jin up the courage to tell him I was totally surprised by his response.
I thought he would freak out, but instead he was thrilled. He was so happy. He kept saying, "I'm gonna be a dad. Really!!!?? I'm gonna be a dad. Mom I love you so much!!!" I've never seen him smile so much and then he started to cry out of sheer happiness. I didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified.
So we went along for a bit, but I kept worrying about how this would effect Drew. He was so happy, but I was worried that it would effect his plans for college and his future. I've been so lucky. I've done the Internet searches and I am so blessed. Drew's grades are good, he has friends. By all rights he should be so messed up but he isn't. He is just a happy kid in school who is thrilled that he is going to be a daddy. When he comes home he'll kiss me and then bend down to my belly and say, "Hi Junior," - he keeps calling the baby "Junior," though we just found out we are expecting a boy - "This is your daddy, and I love you with all my heart!!!"
I actually don't believe in abortion, but knowing how much this baby could adversely effect my son's future I considered at one point having an abortion, but when I told him I was thinking about it we had several serious discussions and he was dead set against it. What finally totally stopped me was when, in a really heated argument, he said to me, "Mom, you don't get it. I'm going to be the dad I never got to have."
I was stunned and realized I could not abort this baby. Besides, as time has worn on, I realize that I want this baby for all the right reasons. It's a precious little life no matter the circumstances of his birth. He is a beautiful gift that my son has given to me by sharing his naked body with me. It's not good circumstances, but I've come to think of it as beautiful and I want to have this baby to share something beautiful with my son.
So we've decided a few things.
1) Fatherhood or no, my son will go to college, though we have not worked out yet if he is going to be dorm resident - because I want him to have the whole college experience - or as a commuter. When I insisted that he go to college, he said, of course, because he was going to provide a good living for his son. I was so proud of him. My son will graduate from high school in early June, turn 18 in late June and the baby is due in August, so I think we can make this work.
2) We've decided not tell my doctor who the father is. I just told my doctor that it was a man who I didn't want in my baby's life and I asked if Drew could be present at the birth. The doctor said that was unusual, but he thought it could be worked out. My son is thrilled but I'm a bit nervous that the doc might figure out that the baby's father is my 17 year old son. Should I be worried?
3) What I am worried about is that we are not getting some of the special testing that the baby needs. This worries me. I know there is a very real chance that the baby will have birth defects but I don't know how to get him tested beyond the normal prenatal tests. So far all my examinations seem to be showing everything normal, but I'm worried. Does anyone know how I might get the additional tests I need? Please help me.
4) I know I've made some serious mistakes, but I need to know what someone out there, someone who does not know me and can see things from the outside, thinks about how I've handled this. Did I do the right thing not having an abortion? The baby seems so important to my son - and he wants so much to be a dad. I know that, in many ways that is just a boy romanticizing the father he never had, but he is also mature for his age, he is keeping his grades up and has many friends, both guys and gals, I think it would hurt him so deeply to abort the pregnancy. Am I right?
5) Most of all, my son and I continue to have a sexual relationship and I plan, so long as he wants it to continue to have sex with him. Partly, I won't lie, it is because I want it. I need to feel him and be close. I know this