Low self esteem and self worth...self inflected.

PART 1)
I think that this thread is old, but I'm curious to know if you got out of prostitution. My guess is no.
I'm a online call girl on a site on the internet. Not a street walker, just online.

When I was in my 20's in was married with two kids and a 9-5 job at a dental xray lab. I held that job for close to 9 yrs. I also suffer from ADD. I was on medication for it, but I also used street drugs with it. Didn't help me any.

When I was 28 I got divorced and was introduced to stripping at a club. I slowly merged in the stripping more and more til I was doing it full time. I was no long working my regular job.
One thing led to another and I was introduced to prostitution. The first time I did it, it was a little awkward, but not that hard. I didn't feel dirty or bad about it either. In my normal life I was never really sexually active. Even when I was married I did it to please him faking it just about every time.
I started to see gentlemen on a regular basis. Eventually I stopped dancing all together because it was interfering with my calls and I would miss clients while dancing at the club, so I stopped and started prostituting full time.

During the last 8yrs. I haven't even tried to get out of it. I started going to casinos 3 or 4 times a week. I was also addicted to drugs. Goes hand in hand it seems. I worked all the time and when I wasn't working I was at the casino. Im not sure why I lost track of reality but I did. During this time I got preg. with twins. Not from a client but from someone I met and had a one night stand with. I lost tract of him due to losing my phone and all my numbers. I remember the guys first name but didn't pay much attentions to anything else. I didn't know at the time that it would change not only mine but others lives. To make a long story short. I ended up having the babies. Prego with twins and supporting myself by prostituting the whole way through. At the beginning of my 9th month I had the babies. 6pounds each baby boys. Not telling my family until my 8th month my mom and sister suggested that I give the babies up for adoption. Adoption? That is unheard of. I can take care of my babies. Unable to contact the father cause of the lake of info. on him I made the choice to let a really nice couple take them and raise them right. It was hard but I got though it.
For about 5yrs I was making ends meet with dancing. It was easier then getting up every morning and having to be on time and take orders from a boss. Dancing was also a no brainer. Suffering with ADD it was way easier then trying to think all the time.

I am leaving a bunch of other mishaps out that have happened in my life but it would take way to long to mention everything.

Im not sure why this story became so long, but I do understand the feeling of not really having anyone to just tell my story to afraid to be judged and called names. I admit I haven't made any smart decisions in my life and now that I'm 45 yrs. old. I have a 24 and a 19 yr old boys that are good kids (thank God) The twins are 9yrs. I haven't visited them yet, but the family sends me pics and keeps me updated on their lives. I am still a prostitute tho with a gambling problem. I do have my own place and pay my own bills. I do manage on top of going to the casino still. I constantly cause self induced stress in my life.

Wow. Going through all this really makes it clear to myself that I am a f*** up. I am a good person. I have a lot of love and happiness left in my heart, but when does this downhill spiral end. If I don't start making some changes I will die a bum on the street. I don't want my life to end that way.
I'm not sure what steps to take first.
I do, but do I have time to do so. Do I even have the motivation to change. There is so much to straighten out I don't know where to start. I feel like I'm stuck.
I'm thinking there must be a reason why I'm putting this out there on the inter-web. I don't even think that god can help me at this point. I just need to try a little, at least try to do something with my life. Now that I'm older I'm realizing how important decisions that you make can effect the rest of your life and once we get to that point that more then half your life has past, there is no going back. I don't have a lot of self respect or even self esteem these days from years of abusing myself mentally, physically and spiritually and not knowing the damage it was causing. Its not easy stopping what I do for money. Even if I did. What would I do that makes the amount of money to carry on with bills and rent. I'm going to hell for all the sins I'm acting out.

2 Comments

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  • First order is to stop visiting casinos... save your money and get a nice place!

  • You're not going to hell. Ease up on yourself, honey. Sounds like you're somewhat self-aware now, which puts you ahead of a lot of people in your shoes. I don't have any answers, but don't stop looking for help. Change is impossible only when you're dead.

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