Lost to lust

I come from a small town conservative Indian society, where girls are brought up to be timid, soft spoken, homely and submissive lots.

I was sexually abused as a child by a near relative for more than two years. I can't remember much of it but I have had flashbacks of the trauma and it's so deeply ingrained in me, I have lost all emotional hold of myself.

I was about 8 or 9 year old when my abuse ended, and I had become a pro in pleasing him by then. I still remember the day and the drama when my mother saved me. I have not spoken about it to anybody, and all think I have forgotten it completely. What they don't know is such trauma do not heal with time. I had a normal childhood otherwise, but I have developed such psychological disorders, people would scorn me if their knew. i have TTS, bipolar mood disorder, and serious sexual deviancy. On the outside and in general I am the perfect model of daughter figure here. I don't even speak or come before unacquainted male relatives. But sometimes when I am in new company and horny, I tend to get all slutty and shameless. the psychologist I recently got in touch with is a real blessing, and has helped me snap out of my trauma and pain. but there are few aspects too deep, so hard to overcome.

I have dressed really sultry, secretly visited hangouts and pubs, or intentionally strayed away in unknown paths or infamous localities inviting trouble. I still remember the fear i felt on my first few such trips. I ended up running away and hiding for days at end. Thinking back, I realise I have always felt an aversion to soft sex. I have always seen it as rough, brutal and dirty. Even from my pubescent age, I have fantasised of sex only in form of bdsm, incest, rape, forced or whored out. Gangrape and slavery are my favourite fetish.

I am on my own now moved to a city, and I have had strangers (men) dry hump me at pubs, i have repaid boss, neighbours, colleagues and friends with sex for favours, even slept at parties for money. But I have always wanted it rough and long.

But each and every time I have frozen mentally and emotionally right at the onset... On the exterior, I have given the men a time of their life, taken them on the high, said the right thing, made the right moves and had them live the best climax of their life, but I have never known what it is to orgasm.

I have had two serious relationship with the most wonderful men- both of good family, and honourable intentions but I messed it up big time with both and scared them away. Sex with them felt so draining... Because both were so caring and considerate during it I couldn't cut myself off emotionally... And for some reason it made me uneasy and inadequate. I could return nothing for their love.

But now, my perverted mind can think of only extremes... Like getting myself raped for real.. I even have zeroed down men and places who see me like predators and find myself going in their proximity on silly excuses and taste the fear when they touch me and eye me. I just can't stop myself. The urge is too strong.

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4 Comments

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  • Look, im really sorry for what happened and really hope you manage to connect sex with love. but you should really not go out, trying to get raped. thats really counterproductive for your healing process

  • I am not able to help it. Their lust draws me like magnet. I'm just not able to say no to any chance that pops up. Trust me, i don't want to ruin my life this way...but force is the only way i can endure sex... How do i save myself?

  • Therapy, but you knew the answer to that all long... you just have to find the courage to do it.

  • Last night, one of the men i fear followed me to my flat. I couldn't even resist him as he barged inside and nailed me to a wall with his body. Fear and lust danced like mad in my heart. I could only simply whimper- "please...no!"
    "you know what i want."he said.
    I replied "yes," tears beginning to flow.
    "then why won't you let me?" he asked raking his hands over me.
    "because i know you want to rape me." i stammered.
    "and one of these days i'm going to do just that" he laughed, kissed me roughly on my lips and left.
    I'm so scared since then... I think i will simply stay locked at home for a few days.

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